it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I want her autograph on my taint
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
