Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
