I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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