you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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