Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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