Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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