His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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