I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
