Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Randomize
