My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
