After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
