Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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