i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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