youre lurking in front of me
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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