I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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