Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
