and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Drunk is not a location!
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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