I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you didnt know i had herpes?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Randomize
