Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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