Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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