i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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