I want you more than these girls want KFC
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
