No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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