I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
