So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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