apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Randomize
