woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
