my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
