So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
