you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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