She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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