I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
