somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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