i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
