with your own penis?
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
