apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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