I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
