i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
