I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I think I just sharted jello shots
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
