The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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