I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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