The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
