Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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