I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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