I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
