I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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