true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
operation harelip BJ is a go
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
