Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
