im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
