remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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