we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
