He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
