put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
